at war...

This is the fourth time I’m trying to write an entry and finish it. The previous four was deleted half-way through, which explains my absence for quite some time. Didn’t know why but I just didn’t like what I was writing. I’ve been in a war with myself these couple of days. Personality indifferences and emotional conflicts made my day. I wonder if it’s just me or do every hormone-charged teenager goes through the same hell? These couples of days was horrifying, nothing made sense to me.
One moment I was happy, relaxed. The next, I’m tensed and pressured. Taking into consideration that my exam is finally over, I should be at ease. Especially given the fact that I didn’t even put any sort of pressure on myself and preparation was at a minimum. So what’s wrong with me?
Probably it has got nothing to do with my studies. I assumed it’s about my studies coz that’s what they tell me. I’m feeling depressed so I find someone to talk to. It’s your studies they say. I’m feeling tensed. It’s your studies. I’m not in the mood. It’s your studies. Well, that’s how people around me care for my well being. Hahaha…
Recently I had a conversation with my lecturer. It was after a two hour lecture and I was leaving the class when he approached me. He asked me if I was having any problems. He said it’s showing on my facial expression throughout the class. He also said I dun seem to be present emotionally. I told him that I was just pressured with all the exams. The truth is I dun even know what’s wrong, what’s really bothering me. And after that, I wondered why the people I cared for never asked me that question before? If my lecturer can question me about it, why can’t my friends notice it? Makes me wonder if I really have any true friends after all?
This brings me back to a question that’s always been on my mind. Does anyone see me for who I am? I like to think of myself as a person who does what he think is right and not what everyone wants him to do. Thus i won’t be surprised if I find people who misinterpret my intentions. But what I want to know is, is there even a single person out there who truly understands me and sees me for who I am? Throughout the times, I have always fought back the urge to voice out this question. I guess I just did not have the guts to find out. Well, I better post this one before I decide to delete it… I’ll be back with more posts in a better mood…

lost

i'm kinda down these couple of days. it's weird how life throws these twists and turns which is so unexpected that it hits you right in your face. and no matter how many times you fall and thought you learnt your lesson, you WILL fall again. i'm not talking about anything specific here. just pouring my heart out. which bring rise to another conflict. i've always held true to the idea that a guy should never pour out his feelings to anyone (besides my girl, obviously). but what the heck am i doing here? the main reason i choose to start writing here is the fact that i thought it could make me feel better on really crappy days like now. but i know realize it doesn't really help. i bet you noticed (if there is actually someone following my blog) that my entries are getting further apart. i realized at first blogging was really fun when my mood is right and i KNOW someone is actually reading it. but as time flies by, i also realized that i just can't write everything down in words. sometimes i just can't explain my feelings. that is especially true when my mood sucks and i don't even know what i want anymore. what will people think of me when they read this blog? will they laugh when i'm feeling down? i guess i still DO care about my image. stupid ego.i often wonder at night, "will anyone miss me if i'm gone for good? will people remember me?". these used to be frequently in my thoughts a few years back. it hasn't really bothered me much since my high school days but lately it's creeping back. i hate it when i'm feeling so vulnerable. so low on confidence. why do i even care what people think? shouldn't i concentrate on what i want instead? i guess as humans, we are but social beings. we can't live alone, trapped in our own cocoon. i would really want to continue but it's getting a bit to weird. i'm still not used to writing my feelings down although i'm still convinced it can help me. the pressure all around is really getting to me these few days. studies, family, relationship etc. the problem i face trying to confide in someone is that i'm always afraid someone is going to ridicule me. i know my problems are mostly trivial but really, all i need is a listening ear and a shoulder to lean on. i don't need any brilliant solutions. besides, i'm barely 21... these ARE the problems of a perfectly healthy teenager isn't it?these past couple of weeks, i was told that i actually look older than my age. i must admit, that took me by surprise. i always thought i had some innocent, childish look. but come to think of it, it has been some time since i spent more than 5 minutes in front of the mirror. i guess i was just being ignorant. what's going on with me? i don't give a damn on how i look. i don't give a damn on what people say about me. constantly low on confidence. yet sometimes i stay awake at night wondering what people thinking if people would remember me... how conflicting can i get?i took a step on refreshing my image last week. i finally got my hair cut. my hair was shoulder length a few days ago. but right now... ermmm... i can't really say how i look. the reason why i didn't want to get a hair cut in the first place was that it reminded me of being a little bit rebellious by going against the university rule, reignites the ambers of old. but then i realized i need to get out of this emotional pit-hole before i fall too deep. after some convincing by her, i finally decided it's time to change. once again , i never revealed this to anyone for fear of being ridiculed. well, laugh all you want but a haircut does have a bigger influence than you think. and caring about my appearance is not being vain. i just need to feel more comfortable with myself.
well, i'm feeling a bit dizzy right now. by the way, an update of what's going on in my studies. i just had a paper today - mechanics of materials. it was ok but it sucks at the same time. i don't know.. let the result speak for itself ok? and i'm going to have another paper next week - engineering materials. so i guess my next entry would take some time.
anyway... i know my blog is becoming a little bit boring but i need time to open up, you know?
cheers...

out of sync...

talk about irony...
just two entries ago (which seems like an eternity by the way...) i was talking about my perfect time management. well i guess pigs do fly once in a while. coz here i am, back to my ancient ways... my eyes are blurred, i can barely keep it open for now so this'll be another short entry.

after a pleasant start last week, things soon started moving. and it did so swiftly, i didn't have much time to breathe. i had my linear algebra mid term paper last thurs which i am hopeful of a good result although my preparation was rather haphazard. and that was the beginning of an extremely taxing week. after the exam, i traveled to penang to attend my sister's convocation and i just came back yesterday (i was trying to rush for my morning class but i couldn't make it in time).

hmm... now that i'm trying to write it down, it doesn't feel too taxing. that's weird, as i am really flat out tired right now. well, that one trip to penang is going to cost me more time trying to catch up on lost time as i couldn't get anything done on that weekend and right now, my assignments are starting to get stacked up.

anyway, let's not dwell on what's lost shall we? furthermore, that trip to penang wasn't all bad. that journey reignited my desire to drive and gave me time to ponder on what i've been going through. we left kl at about 10 pm which made the journey that much more interesting. there's something about driving at night that really gets me pumped and i realized the surreal serenity of that four hour drive was a break that i needed after all. it took my mind away from all the troubles of life in the fast lane. the convocation itself had some positive note to it. of course i'm happy for my sister but more than that, it gave our family a chance to spend some time together.

well, my mind's blank... i did mention a short entry didn't i? and reading through this entry, i realized it reflects the state of my mentality and my feelings. all mixed up and there is a total lack of any flow...disorganized as can be... i guess i just need a good rest tonight...

Unfinished Article

Who can see me for who I am?
Misunderstood, my path of life
The road is my driver, I'm stumbling along
Where will it lead me?
The silence; it could slice a rock
The darkness; its heavy burden surreal

The body is weary, its soul is lonely
The body is the cage; its soul is its prisoner
The mind and heart engaged in battle
It's a war where none will prevail
The victors of battle shall lose the war
Never at peace, yearning for freedom

The soul is in captive no more
The soul strives with the body
Mind and heart are united
As one, thrives to achieve the impossible
What is impossible? Nothing!

When will you learn?
You know it but you can't prove it
You know it but you won't do it
The efforts are in vain
The soul whither down
The body, lifeless
Mind and heart, failing without hope

Alas, there is time, there is purpose...
To prove them wrong, to stand up high
But are there strength yet left in me?
All the obstacles, all the illusions
Ought to keep the flame of desires burning
Still soft to be molded
Yet to be polished
Very much the unfinished article

ps: this is my best piece of creative writing to date...

finally...

i'm back at last... a lot has happened over the weekend and i have been kept furiously busy till i couldn't find the time to type an entry. but at last i found the time, it's my break time now and i have half an hour before my next class...

i'm in a particularly joyous mood right now which is weird considering i have an exam coming up on thursday night. but a huge dose of good news and relief is working it's wonders on me right now... hahaha... i don't even know where to begin.

ok. let's begin with my relationship. we talked through our differences the other night and we made peace with each other =) . we made a pact to tolerate each other more and the first few days (till the time of this entry...) has really been encouraging. i remembered how it used to be when we first met. don't get me wrong... it's not that the fire in our relationship has whithered but it's just that i've been a different person compared to 4 years ago. so i guess certain things do change with time huh? enough bout my relationship (i'll keep the details for a more suitable entry)... =)

next. as i have already posted, i finally did manage to get my streamyx connection. and last weekend i certainly managed to enhance my computer system at home. hahaha... that was a bonus really. i bought myself a printer (it's actually a printer, scanner and copier - all in one), a cool set of speakers which would annoy my neighbours and my dad actually got me a gamepad (i don't know if it's called a gamepad but it's the one which consists of a steering wheel and pedals...)! that's really, really cool even though i still haven't had the chance to fool around with all that yet. but it's ok and my room looks "the bomb" right now... hahaha...

and THIS is the true surprise. i for once, was able to manage my time perfectly! my lab report is done two days before it's due, my assignments are completed and it's only due by this friday and now i have extra time to go online! talk about a good week! after the terible time i had last week, this is the perfect way to start fresh... now, all i have to do for today and tomorow is to study for my exam on thursday (i hope i will be able to do well in that paper)... euphoria!

anyway, i gotta go now as my friend is asking me to help out with his assignment and my class is going to start soon anyway... till next time...

ps:

to everyone,

there is hope after all for a better tomorrow... hahaha...